


Space Colony ARK: The Sit-Com (#1: THE TRUTH WON'T SET YOU FREE)

by CappyKester



Series: Space Colony ARK: The Sit-Com [1]
Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Video Games), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: screenplay format, sit com
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26282002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CappyKester/pseuds/CappyKester
Summary: Fifty years ago aboard the Space Colony ARK: Maria, Shadow, Gerald, and even little Ivo Robotnik get into plenty of wacky shenanigans as they navigate the confusing workplace that is a top secret government space station. Joined by the drunken Black Doom and a little robot not-yet-named Emerl, the wackiness never ends.EPISODE 101: THE TRUTH WON'T SET YOU FREE. In this episode, Maria and Shadow try to free Lizzie--the Biolizard, that is--while Gerald and Black Doom learn an important lesson about pick-up artistry. Meanwhile, young Ivo tries to reprogram the Gizoid in his image...with some unintended and dark consequences.
Series: Space Colony ARK: The Sit-Com [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1909624
Kudos: 4





	1. ACT ONE

**Author's Note:**

> This story is presented in traditional sit-com formatting rather than prose. Let me know if you like that.
> 
> There are some rather frank jokes about suicide in this script. If you need help, please reach out to someone you trust.

**COLD OPEN**

EXT. SPACE COLONY ARK - SPACE

An enormous SPACE STATION floats above the earth, vaguely shaped like a man’s face and mustache...the SPACE COLONY ARK. Fast approaching: a red-and-black CHUNK OF ROCK...the BLACK COMET. It slows down as it approaches the ARK.

**INT. ARK - OBSERVATION DECK**

Industrial, retrofuturistic. A large, circular room with a wall and floor of windows, overlooking the vastness of space and the little blue marble below. Staring at the BLACK COMET approaching is a strange little crew: a small, curious hedgehog (SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG, 12), a hopeful young girl (MARIA ROBOTNIK, 12), and a mustachioed scientist (GERALD ROBOTNIK, 60s). Gerald speaks into a small, phone-like device.

GERALD

Yeah I see you...just pull into the docking bay.

OUT THE WINDOW: The COMET tries to pull in to the DOCKING BAY...bumps the wall.

MARIA

Oof.

The COMET pulls out like a car, tries again.

GERALD

Ya gotta--just cut the wheels.

SHADOW

It doesn’t have wheels.

MARIA

Tell him to make 45-degree angles.

GERALD

Did you hear that, Doom?

OUTSIDE: A GUN SPACESHIP pulls up behind the COMET, which backs out again and tries to park unsuccessfully.

SHADOW

Look, you’re holding up traffic.

GERALD

He was there first, that guy can wait.

MARIA

Does he want me to get out and wave him in?

SHADOW

Get out in space?

MARIA

I’m trying to be helpful.

The GUN SHIP HOOOONKS like a car.

MARIA (CONT’D)

Wow. So rude!

SHADOW

Knock it off!

Shadow and Maria bang on the window.

GERALD (on phone)

No, they’re yelling at the other guy....Okay, try to make yourself parallel with the bay--

OUTSIDE: the COMET backs up slowly...slowly...slowly... Then BUMPS into the GUN SHIP. A CAR ALARM BLARES.

SHADOW

Aw, come on.

GERALD

Look what you made him do.

SHADOW

How did he not see that, the guy has like five eyes!

On the phone: INCOMPREHENSIBLE YELLING

**END OF COLD OPEN**

**-**

**ACT ONE**

**INT. SPACE COLONY ARK - RESEARCH FACILITY**

Down a high-tech hallway full of SCIENTISTS, Gerald leads the towering BLACK DOOM (floating four-eyed demon flanked by an additional FLOATING EYE) on a tour. Shadow and Maria follow closely behind. WEIRD EXPERIMENTAL CREATURES are examined by Scientists.

GERALD

As you can see, we are using our government funding to make big goo monsters, and your generous blood donation to make cool hedgehogs with rollerskates.

DOOM

Oh snap, this little guy is the Ultimate Life Form? I thought he was like your cat.

SHADOW

Big talk from the guy wearing five different necklaces.

MARIA

Shadow is more like my brother.

DOOM

Ouch, hate to hear the ladies say that, huh?

Doom elbows Gerald WAY too hard.

GERALD

Er, yes. Women be shopping. Of course, Shadow wasn’t the first attempt at the ULF.

Gerald leads them down a dark hallway into the

**INT. ARK - BIOLIZARD ENCLOSURE**

A massive, Shamu-like stadium where the BIOLIZARD (a huge, cyborg lizard) flips about in the ORANGE WATER. GUN SCIENTISTS cheer loudly as the Biolizard does a flip--splashing them with ORANGE WATER. Their skin melts off as they applaud.

DOOM

How did you get from “big lizard” to “emo rodent?”

GERALD

I’m honestly just throwing shit at the wall up here. I’ve been in space for like ten years.

Maria pulls Shadow aside.

MARIA

Look how they’re treating Lizzie! Like she’s some sideshow freak.

SHADOW

She is a freak, Maria. She looks like a salamander drowned.

MARIA

Watch it, that’s the prototype of _you_. She’s part of the family!

Shadow watches the Biolizard spin in circles with a stupid look on her face.

SHADOW

She’s definitely the rough draft.

MARIA

We have to help her.

GERALD

(approaching)

Don’t bother. Without those machines, the Biolizard is basically useless.

BOY (O.S.)

Did somebody say “basically useless”??

Out of the shadows comes...IVO ROBOTNIK (10, pudgy).

SHADOW

God damn it, I didn’t know your cousin Ivo was in town.

IVO

What town? Space?

GERALD

Ivo will be spending his summer here while his mother recovers from another Flickie attack.

IVO

Brutal, violent creatures.

SHADOW

I thought your mom liked brutal, violent creatures.

Gerald and Shadow discreetly high-five.

IVO

Ooh, sick burn. You think of that one with the other lesbians at the roller derby?

SHADOW

Don’t act like these aren’t the coolest shoes you’ve ever seen in your stupid little life.

MARIA

Boys, can we zip it up and put the rulers away?

IVO

Sorry, cuz. I just hate that horrid little hedgehog of yours. Things have been tough. I’ve been taking lithium.

SHADOW

He means he eats batteries.

GERALD

Ivo! I have a special project for you while Mr. Black Doom inspects our facilities today. You like to tinker with robots and stuff, yeah?

IVO

I dabble.

Gerald WHISTLES. A strange little ROBOT approaches.

GERALD

This...is an ancient robot called a Gizoid. It’s meant to copy any enemy’s fighting style, but somebody thought it would be funny to show him a bunch of Rodney Dangerfield bits.

GIZOID

(tugging collar)

I get no respect!

They all groan.

IVO

I’ll see what I can do.

GIZOID

No respect at all!

Ivo leads the Gizoid away. Black Doom returns with corndogs.

DOOM

This is a great show. That freaky worm thing sure can spin. And the trainer! Woof. Hottie.

MARIA

(sotto, to Shadow)

We should talk to H.R. about that.

GIZOID (O.S.)

My fan club broke up, the guy died!

DOOM

Ha! That’s pretty funny.

**INT. ARK - DINING HALL - LATER**

SCIENTISTS munch on inedible-looking GRAY FOOD. Shadow and Maria pick at gray blocks while Gerald and Doom laugh over steak. Ivo tinkers with the Gizoid, who sits on the table and occasionally BUZZES.

GERALD

Thanks for the dinner, Doom. You can’t even tell it’s alien steak.

SHADOW

Don’t those alien guys come out of your body?

DOOM

Yeah I reproduce asexually. But that doesn’t mean I’m not knee-deep in alien minge, know what I mean Ivo?

IVO

I’m a child.

Doom WINKS at some FEMALE SCIENTISTS, who look terrified.

GERALD

Wow. I haven’t had a woman be that afraid of me in ten years.

DOOM

So you haven’t...in ten years??

GERALD

I guess I was so caught up trying to cure death for the last decade that I let my moves slip.

SHADOW

Please. If this old geezer tried to “bust a move” he’d shatter his hip into dust.

GIZOID

NO RESPECT!

IVO

Sorry. Thought I’d fixed that.

MARIA

What about Grandma? You must’ve had some moves when you won her heart.

GERALD

If by “moves” you mean “begging daily” and by “won her heart” you mean “ruined her life and settled the divorce out of court.”

DOOM

That tears it. Gerald Robotnik, we’re getting you laid.

GERALD

What about the inspection?

DOOM

I’ve inspected your facilities, and I won’t approve further funding until you smash some gash.

SHADOW

Gross. I’m trying to eat my gray brick.

Doom TELEPORTS Gerald away.

MARIA

Shadow, this is perfect. While they’re distracted with their misogynist quest for physical validation, we can free Lizzie!

SHADOW

Free her where? There’s nothing outside but mad space.

MARIA

The Terrarium. With the other experimental animals, like those monkeys writing Shakespeare or that fox with the two tails.

IVO

Disgusting!

GIZOID

Disgusting!!

IVO

There we go! Rodney’s gone for good. Now to imbue him with all of my charms, my ambition--

SHADOW

Your giant nose, your gastrointestinal distress.

IVO

Go save your stupid gecko! I’ll show you, this Gizoid will become a genius just like me.

GIZOID

Genius just like me!

MARIA

Great, he’s in stereo now.

Shadow and Maria head off while Ivo plays with the Gizoid.

IVO

Idiots. No one understands my brilliance. This world is cruel to people like us, Gizoid.

GIZOID

Cruel.

IVO

Don’t worry. You have me now.

GIZOID

Together forever?

IVO

(touched)

Til death do us part.

GIZOID

Death?

IVO

Yes. Everything dies, Gizoid.

GIZOID

Even...Gizoid?

IVO

Probably someday.

The Gizoid sheds a single TEAR.

**INT. ARK - BIOLIZARD ENCLOSURE - ENTRANCE**

Shadow and Maria approach two GUARDS by the entrance.

MARIA

Hi, it’s us, the children who live here. Can we film Lizzie for our school project?

Shadow holds up an OLD FILM CAMERA.

GUARD 1

School, huh?

SHADOW

Space school.

GUARD 2

...fine. Don’t get too close.

Shadow & Maria go ahead, leaving the GUARDS behind.

GUARD 1

I came here to get AWAY from my kids.

GUARD 2

Hey, be nice to her. She has NIDS.

**INT. BIOLIZARD ENCLOSURE - POOL AREA**

Shadow messes with the camera while Maria searches the surface of the orange water for Lizzie.

SHADOW

Why does Gerald have all this film equipment, anyway?

MARIA

I think he has a video diary where he reviews soda.

**POV: FILM CAMERA**

Shadow films Maria next to the pool. Lizzie SCREECHES O.S.

MARIA

(addressing camera)

We don’t speak Biolizard, but anyone can understand the cries of pain emanating from the ARK today. Lizzie, our beloved Prototype of the Ultimate Life Form, yearns for the same freedom that most Americans pretend to have.

KELTIE (20s), Lizzie’s capable trainer, runs over.

KELTIE

Hey, you can’t be in here. Shouldn’t you kids be in space school?

MARIA

We’re making a film about Lizzie. The truth will set her free.

KELTIE

First of all, there is no truth.

SHADOW

Whoa.

KELTIE

Second, Lizzie is fine. She likes it here. I ride on her back and throw fish in the air, it’s great.

Lizzie herself POPS out of the water and allows Keltie to pat her head. Lizzie makes a satisfied GARGLE and then SPITS UP A BIG BALL OF ELECTRICITY.

KELTIE (CONT’D)

That means she trusts you.

MARIA

Look...Trainer-lady.

KELTIE

Keltie.

MARIA

Keltie.

We all just want what’s best for Lizzie. She’s a beautiful, complicated creature.

Lizzie opens her stupid muppet mouth and burps another BALL.

MARIA (CONT’D)

Don’t you think she’d be happier in the Terrarium? Where she can run free with the other misfit toys?

KELTIE

Look, kid. You got a good head on your shoulders. And your dog is a hell of a cameraman.

SHADOW

Bark.

KELTIE

But this is a top secret government project. So as much as I’d love the Oscar nod, I’m gonna have to shut down production.

MARIA

But look at her! She’s in squalor. By God, she’s covered in glowing pink boils!

**REVEAL:** Lizzie chews at one of those gumball boils.

KELTIE

...fine. How about I let you film one trick.

**INT. ARK - REC ROOM**

Gerald and Doom lounge, eyeballing the female SCIENTISTS.

DOOM

Lesson one: negging.

GERALD

I don’t think I’m allowed to use that word.

DOOM

No no, negging is when you pay a woman a backhanded compliment to shake her confidence. Then you go in for the kill.

GERALD

The KILL??

DOOM

Whoa, no, like asking her out. Observe.

Doom approaches SCIENTIST 1.

DOOM (CONT’D)

You know...you don’t need all that makeup to be beautiful.

SCIENTIST 1

It’s covering a facial deformity from an experiment on this station.

DOOM

Hot.

Doom gives Gerald a thumbs up.

Ivo enters with the Gizoid.

IVO

Observe these humans’ mating rituals. Thoughts?

GIZOID

What’s the point. We’re all going to die.

IVO

You’re supposed to copy me, not Shadow.

Gerald approaches SCIENTIST 2.

GERALD

Your nose-ring makes you look like a Victorian doorknocker.

She SLAPS him.

DOOM

HA! Nice.

GERALD

That only hurt because of your man-ish hands.

SLAP.

DOOM

This is amazing.

GERALD

I bet you take after your dad.

Scientist 2 revs up to slap--then starts CRYING. Bolts.

DOOM

Gerald, that was the best free entertainment I’ve ever seen. Now, to work on your form--

GERALD

The power...it feels good.

DOOM

...sure, bud. But make sure you say something nice afterward--

GERALD

Why would I say anything nice when I’m King of the Slams?

DOOM

The who?

GERALD

I can insult anyone I want. I’m all-powerful.

Gerald skips away, with glee.

GERALD (O.S.) (CONT’D)

KING OF THE SLAMS!!

DOOM

She musta slapped him really hard.

The Gizoid observes this and sheds a tear for feminism.

**INT. ARK - BIOLIZARD ENCLOSURE**

Shadow films and Maria watches in awe as Keltie stands on the back of the Biolizard, doing Shamu-like tricks.

MARIA

(to the camera, sotto)

As you can see, the creature is placed in stressful scenarios regularly...shown off like the menagerie of a French nobleman...

Keltie brings Lizzie back to shore.

KELTIE

Satisfied?

MARIA

Just one more shot of Shadow meeting Lizzie.

Maria takes the camera and shoves Shadow toward Lizzie, who stares slack-jawed at him.

SHADOW

Hello...sister?

LIZZIE

RAAAAAA!!!

SHADOW

Yes...raaaa. I wanted to tell you that even if you are the Penultimate Lifeform, you deserve freedom like the rest of us.

Lizzie’s eyes twinkle.

SHADOW (CONT’D)

Do you...understand?

Meaningful beat. Then, Lizzie SWALLOWS KELTIE WHOLE.

SHADOW (CONT’D)

...did we get that?

**END OF ACT ONE**


	2. ACT TWO

**ACT TWO**

**INT. SPACE COLONY ARK - BIOLIZARD ENCLOSURE**

Lizzie STRAINS against her chains and BREAKS FREE, climbing out of the water and stomping away into the Colony. Shadow and Maria stare slack-jawed.

MARIA

What on earth did you say to her?

SHADOW

I don’t know!! We maybe had a moment of understanding.

MARIA

Understanding the value of eating her trainer and storming off into the yonder!?

SHADOW

This whole thing was your tree-hugging idea! I was fine letting her spin in circles forever.

MARIA

We need to catch her.

SHADOW

Fine. Hop on.

Maria climbs piggy-back onto Shadow and he skates off.

**INT. ARK - SPACEWALK**

A LONG BLUE ROAD STRETCHING INTO SPACE. Hedgehogs might race here, someday.

Gerald and Doom walk it, along with many SCIENTISTS.

DOOM

How come we can breathe out here?

GERALD

I dunno, artificial atmosphere or something. Hey there Mole!

Gerald finger-guns at a Scientist with a mole.

DOOM

So you’re just indiscriminately insulting people now?

GERALD

I’m just doing what you taught me, Cactus-Head.

DOOM

Wow. You had no way of knowing this, but that’s basically a racial slur where I’m from.

GERALD

Ooh, that guy is about to tie his shoe. I’m gonna tie them together like a cartoon bully.

Gerald skips away, leaving Doom with his FLOATING EYE.

DOOM

We need to take this guy down a notch, Eye. Any ideas?

DOOM’S EYE transforms into a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

DOOM (CONT’D)

Nice, this is gonna get weird.

DOOM’S EYE LADY approaches Gerald.

GERALD

What are you supposed to be, Medusa?

Doom’s Eye doesn’t respond.

GERALD (CONT’D)

You got somethin right here--wait it’s your huge eye.

No answer. Doom’s Eye holds out her hand.

GERALD (CONT’D)

(enamored)

Wow...who are you?

DOOM

(sotto)

This shouldn’t turn me on.

Ivo walks past Doom, searching.

IVO

Gizoid? Ivo Junior?

Ivo looks upward and SCREAMS.

**EXT. SPACE COLONY ARK - MUSTACHE**

The outside of the ARK is littered with skyscraper-like protrusions covered in blinking lights. Atop one of these protrusions (directly above the Spacewalk), the Gizoid stands on the ledge.

 **BELOW:** Ivo stares, panicking.

IVO

Don’t do it, Gizoid! You’ll just float off into space!

GIZOID

(distantly)

With the rest of the trash.

DOOM

Boy, you really did a number on him. The scary part is that he’s a copy robot, so...maybe check out a therapist while I catfish your grandfather.

IVO

Catfish?

DOOM

You’ll get it in like fifty years.

**INT. ARK - CRAZY GADGET**

A section of the ARK with GLOWY GREEN WALLS. Shadow and Maria rush in, breathing heavily, then collapse.

SHADOW

Oh god...why would he design it like this...

MARIA

The rails over pits of green lava...who is this for??

LIZZIE ROARS and stomps in, GUN soldier in mouth.

SHADOW

Your little film project has quite the body count.

MARIA

No! I refuse to be made to feel guilty for trying to save an innocent creature!

Lizzie CHEWS AND SWALLOWS THE SOLDIER.

MARIA (CONT’D)

That one was like, a cop, so he doesn’t count.

**INT. ARK - OBSERVATION DECK - LATER**

Gerald stares at the romantic view of the earth with THE FAKE DOOM’S EYE LADY--DOOMINA.

GERALD

Oh, Doomina. You’re the only woman on this damn secret government space station research lab who doesn’t run from me.

Doomina nods silently.

GERALD (CONT’D)

You’re also the only one who isn’t offended by my jokes about your hideous eye or tentacular hair.

Doomina ROLLS HER EYE.

GERALD (CONT’D)

I’ve just been...so lonely.

Gerald takes her hand. Doomina starts sweating profusely.

**INT. ARK - CRAZY GADGET**

Shadow and Maria run in circles from the slow Lizzie.

MARIA

She’ll have to get sick of this eventually, right?

SHADOW

That’s it.

Shadow stops, faces Lizzie. Lizzie stops and stares. Shadow holds out a hand. Lizzie presses her nose to it...

SHADOW (CONT’D)

You think you’re a big lizard. But you’re actually a small dinosaur. You’re the wacked-out, fake version of me. And I don’t like fakers.

Shadow SLAPS her.

LIZZIE

Owwww???

SHADOW

I’m the ultimate! Chaos Slap!

SLAP! Lizzie retreats, crying.

MARIA

Wow. So your solution for the animal abuse was more animal abuse?

SHADOW

We tried your way! Now we try my way, where we hit her til she dies.

MARIA

No! I won’t let you do this!

Maria chases after Lizzie.

SHADOW

Damn it.

**EXT. SPACE WALK**

A CROWD has gathered to see whether the Gizoid will jump.

IVO

(with a megaphone)

Ivo Junior...look at all these people who want you to live.

GUN SOLDIER

Should I shoot it?

IVO

Shoot--what? Why does that seem like the thing to do? Cops, man.

GIZOID

They all want me to die.

IVO

Stop! Who taught you to act like this!

GIZOID

I learned it from you, Dad. I learned it from you.

Ivo hangs his head.

**SMASH CUT TO:**

**LATER.** Ivo has joined the Gizoid on the ledge.

IVO

Alright, I say we count to three?

**INT. ARK - OBSERVATION DECK**

CANDLES. MOOD MUSIC. Gerald CLINKS wine with Doomina.

GERALD

Basically, that’s the story of the mustache. It’s technically a genetic deformity. My mother had it, too.

They sip wine.

 **OUTSIDE** , Doom floats by, spying.

GERALD (CONT’D)

Doomina...do you believe in love?

Doomina winces as Gerald goes in for the kiss... AND PANICS, CHANGES BACK TO THE FLOATING EYE.

GERALD (CONT’D)

OH GOD! WHAT! OH GOD! OH DEAR GOD!

Beat.

GERALD (CONT’D)

I can still make this work, honestly.

**EXT. ARK - SPACEWALK**

The crowd has started singing “Hey Jude.”

 **IVO AND GIZOID POV:** They’re not loud enough to hear.

IVO

Yeah, I guess sound doesn’t really travel out here. Ready?

SUDDENLY, LIZZIE BURSTS OUT OF THE ARK. Sees what’s happening. Beat.

IVO (CONT’D)

...you too?

Lizzie nods, joins them on the ledge.

IVO (CONT’D)

Well, at least I’ll have company.

**BELOW:** Shadow and Maria rush out to see the crowd & jumpers.

MARIA

Look what you did! You slapped her so hard she made a suicide pact with my cousin and his robot!

SHADOW

It’s fine! Let’s just tell your grandfather and he can help.

**SHADOW AND MARIA POV:** Gerald sadly walks out to the ledge too.

SHADOW (CONT’D)

God damnit!

DOOM

Hey kids. Sorry about this, I can’t help but feel partially or even completely responsible.

**ABOVE:** Ivo, Gerald, Gizoid, and Lizzie stare down the barrel of eternity.

GERALD

Boy, this is the sort of day that makes you want to just destroy all of humanity, right?

IVO

Uh, no?

GIZOID

Nothing matters.

GERALD

I see you read him your diary.

LIZZIE

Graaa!!

IVO

What's wrong with the lizard?

GERALD

I dunno, lizard shit. The count of three, then?

Lizzie stomps in approval. CREEEEEK!

The skyscraper begins to tilt...

IVO

Down, Lassie!

CREEEEEEEK--the hold thing is now DANGLING DANGEROUSLY.

GERALD, IVO, GIZOID, AND LIZZIE HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE.

GERALD

It’ll be fine...just reach into my pocket...and grab my keys...

The keys FALL OUT OF HIS POCKET.

GERALD (CONT’D)

Son of a bitch.

**END OF ACT TWO**


	3. ACT THREE

**ACT THREE**

**EXT. SPACE COLONY ARK - SPACEWALK**

The CROWD starts THROWING things at the dangling Ivo, Gerald, Lizzie, and Gizoid.

**BELOW:** Doom, Shadow, and Maria pace nervously.

MARIA

Mr. Black Doom, can’t you fly up there and rescue them?

GERALD

(yelling)

Keep that alien freak away from me! He broke my heart!

DOOM

...it’s not what it sounds like.

SCIENTIST 1 runs by.

SCIENTIST 1

Please--has anyone seen Keltie? My sister is missing, please!

SHADOW

No one knows what you’re talking about lady, we’re dealing with A-Plot over here!

MARIA

Wait, Science Lady. You’re my last hope. I’m going to tell you the truth. Keltie is dead.

Scientist 1 SCREAMS and tries to jump off the Spacewalk, but SCIENTIST 2 stops her.

DOOM

Boy, being in space really scrambled you guys’ eggs. Bunch of suicidies waiting to pop.

MARIA

Well, today I learned that the truth doesn’t set anyone free. In fact, it only makes people kill themselves.

DOOM

Too true.

SCIENTIST 2

Alright kids, lighten up on the suicide jokes. It’s a sensitive subject. It was kinda funny the first time, but now it’s feeling like you legit don’t care. This is a workplace.

SHADOW

Maria, I’m sorry I mocked you for believing in the power of truth. Truth is having a real off day, but I think you were right--it sets us free.

MARIA

I wish I could believe that anymore. Ivo’s mini-me is right. What’s the point if I’m going to die soon.

Maria puts her head in her hands. Shadow, with new resolve, takes the megaphone from somebody.

SHADOW

Ivo. Gerald. Robot. Lizard. Don’t move.

IVO

We’re dangling, if you didn’t notice!

SHADOW

I know what it feels like to be hanging on the edge of tomorrow. But you guys were all wrong today. Pretty dead wrong.

(beat)

Gerald, you’ll never be a ladies’ man. But if you honestly want to treat women the way misogynists like Black Doom do, then you may as well just jump.

DOOM

Ha! True, I’m the worst.

GERALD

You’re right. I’m okay with being involuntarily celebate!

SHADOW

And Lizzie--yeah, you’re the imperfect prototype of me. But our imperfections are what make us interesting. Like my lame rollerskates.

IVO

Told you! I TOLD YOU!

SHADOW

Ivo. Your robot might’ve learned the negative stuff from you, but at the end of the day...you’re both still holding on to that ledge thingy. You haven’t let go. And you taught him that.

IVO

...hmm.

SHADOW

And to our little robot friend. Life isn’t always beautiful, and it doesn’t always make sense why we’re here at all.

But when the world is ugly, it’s the people that make this all worthwhile...people who tell you the truth and make you better.

Shadow nods at Maria, who smiles.

GERALD

...Doom?

Doom floats up to the jumpers and levitates them safely down to the Spacewalk. Except Lizzie, who continues floating.

The CROWD APPLAUDS half-heartedly.

IVO

I’m back on solid ground! Kind of! In space.

GIZOID

I, too, am happy to be alive.

GERALD

Thank you for the encouragement Shadow. It’s easy to forget that women are people, not just objects to exact your will upon.

MARIA

That doesn’t seem very easy to forget?

DOOM

Gerald, I’m sorry I tricked you with my Eye. It’s just that you were getting too good at negging, and that’s my territory.

GERALD

I understand. But why all the over-the-pants stuff--?

DOOM

That’s, let’s not worry about it, just no reason to talk about it anymore.

(beat)

Anyway, you obviously pass the inspection. You’re doing good work here, Gerald. Especially with this Ultimate Life Form.

Shadow hides a small smile.

GERALD

Thanks, Doom. Pleasure doing business with ya.

SHADOW

What do we do with Lizzie?

**INT. ARK - BIOLIZARD ENCLOSURE**

Maria, Shadow, Gerald, Ivo, and Gizoid watch as Lizzie is lowered back into the orange stuff.

SHADOW

Are you sure? She deserves to be free.

MARIA

The thing is...she’s not a whale or anything, she’s just a very, very stupid lizard.

LIZZIE

GRAAAAA!!

MARIA

And while I enjoy her funny Muppet mouth and large boils, I think she’s been pretty miserable since we removed her from the pool.

Maybe someday my grandfather will figure out a better future...give her a chance to be happy.

Lizzie, back in the water, splashes around and does AN AMAZING FLIP OUT OF THE WATER!

MARIA (CONT’D)

Sayonara...Lizzie.

Lizzie swims away, stupidly.

**END OF SHOW**


End file.
